new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
