apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
