They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
