I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
