just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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