we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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