Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
