In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
