Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
