Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
