why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
