Your tits are I can't wait for
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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