he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
