Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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