i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
