My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
