i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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