I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
