So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
