i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
