well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
