so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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