did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
