So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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