We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
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I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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