I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
