I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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