So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
