where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
