Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
