hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
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There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
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It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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