but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
