Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
