my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
