I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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