you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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