my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
