I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
