Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
