Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We just shotgunned beers for America
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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