I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
