I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
