If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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