what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
did i just pee glitter
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
