he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
