this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
