Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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