Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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