Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
