I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
