what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
