HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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