I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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