If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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