also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
