White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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