I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
