birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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