I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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