ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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