I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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