I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Is it because I queefed?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
